MyersGuy's Xanga

Absent

Sun, 25 Jun 2006 13:29:38 GMT

I'll be out for a week, so the people who read this (read: 2 people per day) will have to do something else for a week.

Be back around noon Saturday.

Black Coffee

Thu, 15 Jun 2006 05:01:35 GMT

Nothing much going on. Summertime though.

So that's good.

Don't have much to talk about.

THIS ARTICLE MAY OFFEND SOME SOCCER MOMS...PLEASE USE DISCRETION.

Sun, 04 Jun 2006 22:00:52 GMT

Went to a CIT meeting. The entire time, they were explaining how vital we were to camp operations, how valuable we were to campers, counselors, etc.

Yeah, but not valuable enough to pay us, right?

Fuckers.

Break-Ins, Beaches, Sexglasses, and Namechanges.

Mon, 29 May 2006 22:51:56 GMT

I went to the beach. It was pretty cool, just beach-doings and things. On the way out, I had a badass breakfast. Steak & Eggs & Grits. Mmmm. Tasty. Nothing like southern beach restaurants. Here's a quote from the table next to us:

TEEN GIRL: You know how I got my dog so nice? When she bit me, I would hold her still, and bite her back. Now she just licks.

That kind of restaurant.

During the trip however, my house got broken into.

Not kidding. Nothing was stolen, nothing was fucked up, and nothing seemed out of place. Yet all doors leading to the outside were wide open, and all of the lights were on. That's weird, because my screen door automatically shuts.

I found some 12 darrah sungrasses ($12 sunglasses) that are the best glasses ever. They are 70's cop glasses. Starsky and Hutch glasses. Ambervision glasses. yes, in the teardrop shape too. Aaaaawesome.

Also, we got our yearbooks back. Someone I might or might not know changed a kid named Jamie Chen's name to "Butt Chen". The editors didn't notice. I also didn't know we had twins at our school with the last name "Sprankle".

Friday, May 26, 2006

Fri, 26 May 2006 18:49:51 GMT

Beach till' Tuesday...

Oorah!

Thu, 25 May 2006 23:01:56 GMT

New shoooooe insooooooles.

And a swimsuit. And some socks. And a pair of shorts.

Oorah.

Yard Sales

Sat, 20 May 2006 22:29:56 GMT

IT'S BEBOP NITE!

Woo!

My entire neighborhood had a big-ass yard sale today. Most people had crap from when their kids were young, like cribs, and other shit, like various glassware, oars, bedstands, glass brass-mounted shelves, unicycles, clothes, shoes, books, etc. I got $20 off my bicycle, piece of shit video games, and a stuffed animal.

I bought some books, some sandals from a guy down the street with the same shoe size as me, a suitcase (FREE BITCHES), two decks of cards, four shirts, a pair of pants, and 5 water guns (ALSO FREE!)

One of my shirts was an outline of Cap'n Crunch with a question mark in it, with text below that says "WHERE'S THE CAP'N?".

Anyway, my friend across the street was having trouble selling his candle extinguisher (snuffer). I tried to help him out.

ME: Sir, may I interest you in this solid gold candle extinguisher? It was owned by Jimi Hendrix, Led Zeppelin, Billie Holiday, Buddy Holly, and Jefferson Airplane, AT THE SAME TIME, depending on your music tastes.

OLD, CROTCHETY MAN: Heh heh, that's funny youngster.

ME: You see these four notches in the snuffer? That was actually caused by ninja blades, assassins who were trying to kill the Beatles. I forgot, they owned it too. Actually, Jimi Hendrix's hand was on this when he died.

OCM: That's very nice.

ME: A buck. Come on.

OCM: Haha...*walks away*

ME: ...fuck you.

(Occasionally, some smartass would say in place of "Haha... *walks away*", somethine along the lines of "Well, if it's so valuable, why are you only selling it for a dollar?" Then they would grin, those sacks of shit. They don't deserve to have so fine of a candlesnuffer.

Some cool lady bought it after roughly 10 sales attempts. For 25¢. I also tried hawking a copy of the Fifth Edition Black's Law Dictionary with the tagline "This exact copy of this book gave Thurgood Marshall his start in law. It made him famous." No one bought it.

On a side note, a family just moved in pretty close to us. They've got a 16 year old daughter. She's pretty cool.

My Commercial

Wed, 17 May 2006 00:42:32 GMT

Okay, I'm sure you're familiar with Maddox.

If you're not, visit his site, but I'll be damned if I'm going to go through the trouble of getting a link for you. Google it, am I your fucking search engine?

Prick. Anyway, for those in the know, you guys obviously know Maddox has a new book out, The Alphabet of Manliness. Well, I thought of a commercial for it.

There's a guy in a burning building, flaming wood and drywall crumbling all around him. The guy hears a kid crying, runs into a room. He sees a 6 year old kid, and a copy of the A of M (you know damn well what the A of M is).

He debates which one to save, and picks up the A of M, reads it for a couple of seconds, looks like he's thinking, nods to himself, and then punts the small kid into a wall, then runs out of the building, on fire, muscles rippling, beef jerky bits flying out of his manly mouth, hot chicks humping him everywhere.

I should be paid to do this shit. Maddox, there's your commercial.

EDIT: Only real men like the one in the paragraph above visit http://job-solutions.net

Happy Mother's Day

Sun, 14 May 2006 16:10:28 GMT

Dear Mom, thanks for not aborting me.

That wouldn't have been cool. You've been there for me a lot, mainly because I wasn't aborted. Man that would have sucked. I bet it was hard cleaning up for a little kid. Well, cleaning up after an abortion is harder.

Good thing you didn't. Wiping my ass for four years would sure suck. But abortions leave your reproductive organs a withered black husk of what they once were.

Thanks again, MG.

Final Fantasy Advent Children in Smilies

Fri, 12 May 2006 21:31:02 GMT

: The customer after looking at the wonderful animation.

: The opening scene.

: The customer 5 minutes into the plot.

: Customer realizes that entire movie is a poorly-veiled attempt to dazzle the viewer with spectacular animation, while attempting to hide the awful character development, piss-poor dialogue and voice acting (every other word the bad guy says is some variant of Hmmm...), black-and-white characters, un-realistic fighting scenes (basically the Matrix), a clan of suddenly-introduced brothers, and an attempt to draw out an overused product line solely based on one video game several years ago.

: Customer contemplates what brown-nosing, ass-kissing corporate suck-up would have the balls to suggest so mindshatteringly bad a plot.

: Squaresoft executives, as ungodly amounts of money pour into their coffers, from people who haven't yet realized that it's the story in animated movies that really counts, and animation is far less important. Together, they're legendary, but without the story, it doesn't matter what the fuck kind of animators you've got, your movie is Shitpie Central.